Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Rush Limbaugh for President

By Dotty Calm, Disassociated Press Writer
April 1, 2008
NEW YORK, New York: To the surprise of most people in the Democratic party, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to leave the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate and has been replaced by Rush Limbaugh. This surprising situation comes just days after Mr. Limbaugh sent many loyal listeners of his daily radio program to support Senator Clinton for the Democratic candidacy. Senator Clinton gave a press statement early this morning saying, "I realize that my chances to win in the Democratic primaries is looking pretty slim, but Mr. Limbaugh has a better chance of winning the nomination as he has support from conservative Democrats and much of the Republican party." Furthermore, Mr. Limbaugh indicated that his running-mate will be Senator Clinton. "Ms. Clinton has the full support of the liberals, and with the drive-by liberal media completely ignoring the conservative agenda, our ticket will surely get the exposure needed and support provided by both extreme liberals and conservatives," Rush said.

Conservative talk-show hosts are orgasmic at the prospect of Mr. Limbaugh entering the presidential race. Bill O'Reilly said, "We all know that Senator Clinton by herself is just a pinko-commie liberal, but with Rush to even-out her liberal agenda, we can be sure to bring-on a whole new clan of Americans to cleanse our nation of liberalism. Did I just say that out loud?"

Disassociated Press asked Mr. Limbaugh several questions about his stand on pressing political issues, and how he and Senator Clinton plan to address them:
  • DP: "Do you plan to bring the troops home anytime soon?"
    Rush: "Absolutely. As we all know, the home for the troops is now Iraq, and Senator Clinton and I fully intend on bringing all remaining troops home."
  • DP: "When do you feel the war in Iraq will be over?"
    Rush: I fully support President Bush and his desire to end this war when the war is over, and by that I mean when all terrorism is eradicated from the Earth. Including terrorism that our own citizens perform against other citizens, or other countries.
  • DP: "Do you support gay marriage?"
    Rush: Gay marriage is an abomination. Now lesbians are a different matter. I like lesbians. Did I just say that out loud?
  • DP: "What are your plans for the war on drugs?"
    Rush: All drugs must be controlled. Except for OxyContin, that is. Have you ever had some of that with a nice cigar? Makes you feel like you could be a liberal, even.
  • DP: "Senator Clinton and you have differing views on many political issues. How do you intend to address those differences?"
    Clinton: I will answer that. Mr. Limbaugh and I have a special relationship and I am sure that he will open up to the idea of a public health care system...especially when he sees the drug benefits.
  • DP: "How to you intend on stimulating the depressed economy?"
    Rush: The economy isn't in a depressed state. That's just the liberals trying to discredit President Bush. Look, we just invaded one of the biggest oil-producing countries in the world. Our gasoline prices exceed $3/gallon. Depressed? Exxon is showing huge profits. So our country is in fine shape economically.
  • DP: "What do you tell people who are having financial problems with the price of energy so high?"
    Rush: Stop whining and get a real job, like me.
Mr. Limbaugh says he will continue doing his daily radio program both throughout the campaign and on into the presidency. "My long-time listeners look to me for serious political commentary and the truth about everything. Keeping the radio program will maintain them in lock-step behind me and together we shall expose those Democrats for what they really are. Wait, I can't say that right now." The Excellence In Broadcasting (EIB) network had no comment regarding Mr. Limbaugh's vie for the Democratic nomination. The Democratic party has indicated that Mr. Limbaugh's statements are no more than an elaborate "April Fool's joke" and refuse to acknowledge him as a serious contender.

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