Monday, May 5, 2008

Insight

Well, today I got some further insight on relationships from someone who knows what they're talking about. Sometimes it takes someone stating things that almost sound obvious to bring things back into perspective.

So what kind of person is the "right person" for me in a good relationship? She is someone who adds to my life, who makes me feel better when I'm around her, and who I look forward to seeing. As corny as this may sound, it actually explains a lot of things as far as what I am looking for in a relationship.

Clearly the person I am looking for is not a clone of myself as "A" implied I was looking for. However, there needs to be a solid foundation of some common interests and direction. Compatible differences will be ones that help each other to grow in some way (what "adds" to our lives). I fully expect that one thing I bring to the relationship will probably be the ability to fix electrical and mechanical things (it just seems to be that way a lot!). "A"'s comment that relationships are primarily doing things that you don't like for another person because you care about them is clearly the wrong direction. That doesn't make either person feel better nor safe. There will be things that we need to do that we'd rather not, but they shouldn't be frequent and plentiful.

I'm not sure this actually is a clear definition of what I'm looking for in a relationship, but I think what I have in my match.com profile is pretty close to being on-target.

New Update On Old Baggage

Some of you may remember my posting back in September, 2007 called "Baggage - Part 1" where I introduced Marianne - my girlfriend from 20 years ago. By chance I stumbled across her profile on match.com. Looking at her profile, two things became immediately apparent: First is that she hadn't changed her views much in 20 years, for sure. Second is that the things she's doing aren't getting her into a long-term relationship either. I read what she wrote about herself then read what I wrote about her back in September. While I still have a place in my heart for the good times we had together, I am now convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that we would never have worked out together ("complete disaster" comes to mind). She's still saying she's not getting married, and she's still staying close by her parents. Over the years, she has become more and more like her mother, both in appearance and interests/attitude.

Here's a perfect example of a situation where we had some common interests, but that too wasn't enough. Hell, I'm not sure if I'll ever find another woman who agrees with me that The Partridge Family is actually good music. I just can't bear the thought of having my life under the control of someone else's parents. What she now states as her passion - being a sports fan - is so far from my passion (and what I imagined her's was) that I couldn't imagine what life would be like with her now. I wish Marianne the best in her quest to find someone. I know now why I wasn't that someone, and I suspect her quest is going to be as hard as mine (if not harder).

Some Final Thoughts

I believe I'm on the edge of finding the right person. I think Marianne and "A" needed to happen, as painful as they were. I can only hope now that the lessons learned will prevent me from making the same mistakes again. I've heard from at least three women friends that they can't figure out why I haven't found anyone yet. Strangely, for the ones who are single, I can't figure out why they haven't either. In any case, I still think that The Partridge Family is great music, I should listen to my cat when it comes to choosing girlfriends, and that right person needs to come out of hiding already.

PS: "Complete disaster" comes from the lyrics to a song... Hint: It is part of "bad animals"...

1 comment:

JC said...

I have been in a relationship where we shared so many interests together, he became more like a buddy than a partner. I think differences create push/pull. Not drama, per se, but interest.

Currently I am married to somebody from another culture, another country, who speaks another language, and only shares some of my interests. And it's ok. Actually, it's great. I actually prefer it that way. Like you said, I certainly don't want to date somebody like ME.

Another book-reading, cat-worshipping, sofa-crushing techno-nerd is the LAST thing that I want. I can look in the mirror for all that. We like a few things in common, like extremely lazy Sundays, playing pool (badly), movies, cats (ok, he doesn't worship them, but he loves 'em - a prereq for me), food from his country. I think that's about it.

Is it perfect? No. No relationship is. But I can have some solitude and do my things, and he has his guy-time to do his (work on motorcycle, watch telenovelas - yes, really). When we are together, we appreciate that time more. Also, I travel for work, which has helped our relationship tremendously. We were experiencing bad side effects of too my together time before I started traveling again.

Oh, and totally listen to your cat about people. They're ALWAYS right. My current husband came in the house on our 3rd date and saw my big kitty (R.I.P. Attilla the Hunny, momma misses you!), and said, "ah, que linda!" (Oh, how pretty!). I knew he was a keeper immediately. And both of the cats adored him.

Matter of fact, the 4 we have together now follow him around like he's wearing meat underpants. I am insanely jealous of the cat-attention that gets him.