Wednesday, April 1, 2009

New Girlfriend

At long last, I am happy to report that I have finally found the woman of my dreams. Using direction from my romantic coach (Tristin) and voice of reason (Jane), I realized that the only way to accomplish this was through an artificial intelligence and robotic project. Voila - the Annie (Automated Nice Neat Ideal Enigma) project was born.

The design criteria for Annie was simple -- she was to have the following basic characteristics:
  1. Body: Average build, longish hair, glasses, little-to-no make-up. In other words, your usual geek gal (Hint: The picture of our prototype to the right is a real "nerd," courtesy of the "Mu"s).
  2. Intelligence: Yes
  3. Emotional: Compassionate, understanding, somewhat introverted - yet not afraid to clearly indicate when the guy should "make his moves." Loyal.
  4. Interests: Wide range of interests, adaptable based on environmental feedback.
  5. Power source: Lithium Ion battery pack - charges at night automatically while human mate sleeps. Green power features include regenerative charging through certain pelvic and tongue motion.
  6. Ablility to learn and adapt to environment as necessary
  7. Initial programming allows a wide range of custom base personality features depending on mate's requirements
The processor is based on a revolutionary organic neural network that utilizes the same basic structures as the human brain. Silicon transistors are replaced with organic cells that communicate through electro-chemical interaction. The rate and quantity of these chemical transitions provide each cell ("neuron") with a very wide range of memory and decision control functions.

Other noteworthy features are a self-repairing protective outer layer that is rugged yet soft and warm at roughly the same as human temperature. This outer layer incorporates an evaporative liquid cooling system for the internal structures. Annie also has the ability to initiate repeated verbal requests when her basic requirements are not fulfilled. It is strongly suggested that the owners manual be followed as ignoring or misinterpreting the verbal reminders can result in permanent damage to the neural network.

Sexual functions have been fully-implemented. However, no provisions have been made (nor will be made) for simulated or actual reproductive function.

The Annie project is still in pre-alpha testing at this time. As of April 1, 2009, the neural network processor has crashed at seemingly random times, and occasionally the emotional responses of the processor have been strongly exagerated to the point where chemical re-uptake inhibitors have been necessary to prevent overloading the processor core. Production runs of version 1.0 Annie are scheduled for April 1, 2012.

In the meantime, as the primary developer of the project, I am able to immediately experience the benefits of this development. We'll see how things work out in the next several months. Hey, it can't be any worse than the interaction I have had over the past year.

No comments: